Here’s how to get over …L.o.v.e

Here it is guys, a list that every broken hearted soul needs and, needs like a vengeance. How to get over the annoyingly hurtful, emotionally exhausting, frustratingly constant feeling that makes your heart beat like a ping-pong ball on a freakingly smooth table. Yes, sir. And we all know it hurts. Not just in the head, but everywhere. What to do then?

1) Avoid anything to do with love like you would a dengue machar. Avoid love websites, love movies, love songs, love videos, love TV shows, love cartoons (yeah there are those), love books, love quotes..  anything starting or ending with the word love, anything that has love anywhere in between, even a little glimpse, a little peep through the peephole, avoid it. Stay faaaaar away from it. Douse yourself in a figurative love-repellant.

2) Followed by #1 is ofcourse, do the opposite. Watch scary movies, horror movies, murder mysteries, something with lots of blood and killing and swearing and hatred and NO sign of love or romance or crushes or attractions … And by the way, vampire diaries and true blood and most of all the Twilight series (real *gag*) do NOT come under this category so stop that download right this second. Its fake blood; not the real deal. You can read Christopher’s Pike; reviewing the books and movies before you read and watch is always a plus. If there is a girl and a boy in it, it is pretty much out.

3) This is a voodoo spell which works wonders. Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete that horrid human being (it doesn’t matter if you broke up with them- you are the good party here)  from your facebook, gmail, hotmail, yahoo, googleplus, stumbleupon, your new phone, your old phone… whereever they are listed. Block as well. Do not for even a second think of reading any of the emails or messages. Delete them all. Purge yourself from the whaft of their very existence. If someone asks you in that tone: “so how is (insert name here) doing?” You look at them and say: “who (insert name here)?”

No really. When you have done it enough times, you will actually start believing your response.

4) Distract yourself. Tried. Tested. Tried various times again. Read books (but consult #1 on this list first), watch shows or movies, write if you like writing, play a gruelling, extreme physical activity sport if you are into that kind of a thing, try punching bag if you are angry, you can also throw things around you (mind, not too precious or you will regret it later) but throwing things always helps; transmitting your fury onto another object is so liberating. You could even do some or all of the following:

a) Get hold of a cat, hold it by the tail and pull it behind you like a sack of potatoes until it yelps and struggles.

b) Pull your brothers’ hair, throw water at them while they are sleeping, snatch the laptop from them while they are working on it or turn off power, or worse, take out the internet cable. Any kind of similar torture to fellow human beings would work as long as it is… well, torturous. If it gets an angry response out of them, all the better.

5) Eat. Hog. Munch. Splatter food while at it. It is okay to talk with your mouth full. Trust me, food is and can be the answer to all your questions. Why did he leave you? Try the new lays, barbeque flavor. Why he likes another girl? Try the news lays, cream and onion. Why he won’t return your calls? Try the ooooooh, the dark chocolate or just go to Dunkin Donuts. If nothing works, hog on some good ol’ tasty biryani. You are entitled to junk, spicy, oily and greasy fried pleasantries and ofcourse, carbs! You can worry about weight watch a little time later (not too late though or this would be your last break up :p )

6) Last of all, and this is a serious one. Talk. It. Out. To yourself. To your best friend. To your diary. To your blog. Do things you love. You like singing? Sing. You like playing an instrument? Play. You like bitching about people? Bitch. You like gossping? Gossip. You like Shopping? Shop. Do not reminsce about the nice, comfortable, happy ‘couply’ days. They were a figment of your imagination (this should be your frame of mind for at least the first few weeks. Otherwise, you will be a walking, talking, train wreck and people will be asking about that smeared mascara which you did not notice because you were not bawling infront of a mirror )…..

And well, if nothing works, take Xanax (two 0.5 mg tablets) and go to sleep.

Caution: I understand the last advice might be hazardous in some way so take it at your own bloody risk and do not OD, because the whole point is to get over the person, not your life, hello! *rolls eyes*

Also, incase you want to know more about what this ‘love’ actually is, read here. I have a theory :p

Somewhere between 0 and infinity

Something has just occurred to me. I was listening to Boxer Rebellion and nodding my head up and down in the groove when this occurred to me. It occurred to me that I should write about love. *cough, cough* And before I succumb to this voice in my head telling me I know absolutely nothing about it, I have decided it is better to just start typing.

Love. Yes, love. But not of the romantic mills and boons with the female protagonist‘s golden hair cascading down her exotic face waiting for her domineering (but kind), King-like (but humble), strong (but hurt), flirtatious (but actually looking for love) God of a man who she might dislike in the beginning but eventually end up hero- worshipping; he is Superman without having to wear his underwear over his trousers, he is Spider man without the necessary web-making abilities… One just cannot draw a parallel to the likes of these stories in real. There is a reason why Judith Mcnaught started writing these books; fiction is important in the world.

However, I want to talk about love in the real life; the tugging and pulling of emotions and egos; the love of the immeasurable and insurmountable hurt, the uncountable misunderstandings, the constant betrayals, the broken expectations; the love that breeds in disappointments; the love that lives and breathes despite, the love that remains.. but also, the love that dies.

I don’t want to write about love because of some bizarre need to talk about it when I am in a state of un-love, nor is this an account of  the blossoming feelings of love and affection from my significant other. It is just one of those things that occur to you when you are watching a sappy movie or listening to a song which pulls at your heart strings despite your absolute reluctance in letting it.

The thing is, I really do not understand love or what it is. I understand like. I understand affection. I understand attraction. I understand honesty and trust and belief but I do not understand love. I used to think love was sacrifice if you are able to sacrifice your ‘self’ (khud in Urdu) for someone; you love them. But is there a time-stamp on it? How do people confess their undying love for the other person and in the next second, cheat on them, leave them, get over them, move on from them.

And why is love of the heart and not of the mind? Why do people automatically think that if they started thinking rationally or practically, they will stop loving and why is love equated to irrationality?

Truth be told, I have been in ‘love’. At the time, I thought I was madly in it but then after 5 years, I managed to get over. Not without any reason either. Then I fell in love again; much, much later on and I keep expecting I will wake up one day to find either I am over, or he is over.. which is just, frankly too much pressure and too much of an energy wasted which could easily be utilized elsewhere :p

My point is… Wait, I don’t have a point. Just questions which just get debated upon but never absolutely and definitely answered. The philosophical world is dwelling over so many metaphysical concepts and I find myself wondering, is love also just a metaphysical altercation, a phenomenon trying very hard to be understood but miserably failing. Why did love, one of the most important feelings a person experiences had to be the undefined one, the obscure, the mysterious, the frustratingly multi-layered one with no certainty to its meaning. We don’t know how far it goes or how far it can; we don’t know where it begins and where it ends.

But maybe I have answered the question myself. Maybe the reason it is undefined is because it cannot be defined absolutely in the first place. Maybe it is undefined because it lies somewhere between 0 and infinity and every person, everywhere in the world decides where to put a certain person on this imaginary line, decides how to define love for oneself, define which factors are variables and which constants and eventually make his own personalized love equation.

And that is why people break up and get disappointed and betray and get their hearts broken and have ALL these love problems.

What is your problem? I’ll tell you. Somewhere between 0 and infinity is your problem.

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