Part II: Weddings and other scary things

like thigh flab.

Stifle yawn. Proceed to where bride sits, bling is blinding, adjust eyes and try to focus,  shut eye for bit but try not to bump into men with fat bellies and half a tooth missing- they ogle- should know they look like ogre while ogling but pity, have not slightest clue.

Look around for bride. Bride looklikes make search for bride more difficult, do not understand why every girl should put as many layers of make-up as bride, must they ruin bride’s special day? and not let her alone look like runaway godzilla from zoo.. bride must want to look unique, think sympathetically, must hate look alikes, blood must boil and redden cheeks but then layers of make-up must do good job of hiding said cheeks, ohhhh, now understood, congratulate beautician for foresight, and clap, several layers of make-up is actually dual-purposed and part of beautician’s contingency plan, is impressed…

Jump unaware when hopeful mum (shall explain adjective later) squeals and points at be-jewelled creature whose face looks like baby spice transitioning into posh spice, and stopping between transition, not a pretty sight, body seems out of proportion with face but that is least of its problems, it is bride afterall.

Nod, prepare to utter convincing ooh- and aah at dress and if necessary, make cooing sounds and say how-beautiful-you-look–what-(designer)-are-you-wearing?–what-a-gorgeous-couple-you-make -…with-that-confused-guy-over-there-who-seems-to-be-screaming-in-his-head, add only inwardly..

Move toward creature with caution and conciliatory fake smile on in case she is clairvoyant and can hear thoughts (look supernatural, don’t she? teeheehee), adjust hair for benefit of camera man click-click-clicking away, (hair is second best feature next to eyes, afterall)…  camera man is one of richest man at wedding second only to beautician who painted creature’s face,  job is to get bride and groom to pose for  ‘natural-looking’ pictures and just not stop clicking, also to make bridezilla here look beautiful after beautician ruined considerable chances, chuckle at self, no wonder richest man at wedding…

… see richest man stealthily use sepia, dark-grey and all sorts of black-and-white modes on his camera more and more often; most when bride giggles and bares teeth, maybe reminiscent of Hannibal the Cannibal… should not let hopeful mum (shall explain adjective later) hear thoughts, should not let anyone hear thoughts lest they think is jealous, is not jealous, is scared of such day dawning upon self… *shudder*

Stand at stage with bride and groom and smile properly for first time; can see waiters stand close to dinner tables ready to take off lids, only redeeming quality of event would be caterers being third richest people at wedding, shall forgive hopeful mum (shall explain adjective later) in such case.

Get off stage, fast, fast, fast, flower trail after shoe, do not want to fall off stage but stomach demands haste, be first one to stand beside waiter who stands beside food, smile, bugger stares, so whistle and move a little away, feign indifference, flip hair for affect, fix slipping-smile back where lips are until lids come off, feel perverted thinking of lids and them off but only talking about food dishes…  be first one to grab onto hot steaming naan, gobble thankfully and chew away at chicken piece, do not make eye contact with hopeful mum (shall explain adjective later) in case she reminds of things like etiquette and decorum, chomp, chomp, chomp… chomping away like baby elephant must look bad for image, chomp more, and voraciously, forgive hopeful mum (shall explain adjective later) immediately and wonder thoughtfully whether she will be hopeful enough ever ever again, resist and fight thought, proceed to chomp.

Look out for “Weddings and other scary things, an afterthought”.

Also read Part I: Weddings and other scary things

Part I: Weddings and other scary things

like eye goop.

Get dragged out of bed by hopeful mum (shall explain adjective later), half a sock in tow, been told the light will go at 8:00 p.m; it is 07:30, need to select clothes, then need to press clothes, fast.  Should wash face too. Should. It is too cold to wash face. Don’t. Take tissue, rub face vigorously with moisturizer to wipe dirt and tw0-day old mascara which is frighteningly stuck at all the wrong places around the eyes (the corners, the tips etc.), eyes feel wide shut, open them, try again. Been told by brother that face is fat and nothing looks good, also been told to wear girly clothes to look like girl, nonchalantly agree to looking like girl, get black shirt out, no shalwar or pajama to go with it, get black jeans out, they would have to do, shirt is long, will hide jeans, no one would know it is jeans, triumph at spark of brilliance, mentally thump back.

Face looks clean after moisturizer rub, hate make-up, hide from mum who will force make-up, wait for lights to go so she does not see the no-make face, crunch up and play hair to give messy look, love  that best about self. Don clothes before anybody sees, is relieved when light goes, apply lots and lots and lots of kajal, been told eyes are beautiful, should emphasize.

Rush, rush, rush to the wedding venue, hopeful mum (shall explain adjective later) looks sweetly murderous when she can finally see face, berates for lack of make-up and messy hair, does not see jeans, triumph once again at spark of brilliance, could be brand ambassa(dress) of such jeans- think inwardly- tell mum there is no make-up in bag, do not like lying, tell her that camera man is upon us and now leaving, what is point?, no-make-up-face is already on record, she shrugs, tells in so many words t0 not-fuck-off anywhere because there is a long journey to embark upon, throws us both in a throng of glittery, shiny women with painted faces, hahahhah, faces look so big can imagine someone playing ball with them, tons of make-up must make faces weigh, well, tons- giggles at self , is so funny- pastes fake smile on face, big enough to look like smile, small enough to not show teeth, do not like teeth, teeth are ugly….  fake smile is slipping, hold onto it like would a rein of a marching horse or the stump of a wriggly camel… something is in eye, twitch replaces smile… still say hello-how-are-you–you-look-so-nice–doesn’t-she-mum?–oh-you-have-a-baby-too–so-beautiful–do-come-to-our-house-sometime–no-we-are-still-living-there–hahaha-no-do-not-want-to-get-married-now–hahahah-no-want-to-study–hahaha-yes-please-do-tell-if-you-find-a-nice-guy-for-me (so I stay faaaaar away from him, say inwardly)–yes-cannot-stay-young-forever-you-are-right– yes-digital-clock-is-ticking–yes-yes-yes-yes…..

Steer self away from one to have similar conversation with another, hopeful mum (shall explain adjective later) smiles, she appreciates acquiesce- will take revenge from her soon-, oh, it is time to go see the bride now, is it?

 

Read Part II: Weddings and other scary things

Here’s how to get over …L.o.v.e

Here it is guys, a list that every broken hearted soul needs and, needs like a vengeance. How to get over the annoyingly hurtful, emotionally exhausting, frustratingly constant feeling that makes your heart beat like a ping-pong ball on a freakingly smooth table. Yes, sir. And we all know it hurts. Not just in the head, but everywhere. What to do then?

1) Avoid anything to do with love like you would a dengue machar. Avoid love websites, love movies, love songs, love videos, love TV shows, love cartoons (yeah there are those), love books, love quotes..  anything starting or ending with the word love, anything that has love anywhere in between, even a little glimpse, a little peep through the peephole, avoid it. Stay faaaaar away from it. Douse yourself in a figurative love-repellant.

2) Followed by #1 is ofcourse, do the opposite. Watch scary movies, horror movies, murder mysteries, something with lots of blood and killing and swearing and hatred and NO sign of love or romance or crushes or attractions … And by the way, vampire diaries and true blood and most of all the Twilight series (real *gag*) do NOT come under this category so stop that download right this second. Its fake blood; not the real deal. You can read Christopher’s Pike; reviewing the books and movies before you read and watch is always a plus. If there is a girl and a boy in it, it is pretty much out.

3) This is a voodoo spell which works wonders. Delete. Delete. Delete. Delete that horrid human being (it doesn’t matter if you broke up with them- you are the good party here)  from your facebook, gmail, hotmail, yahoo, googleplus, stumbleupon, your new phone, your old phone… whereever they are listed. Block as well. Do not for even a second think of reading any of the emails or messages. Delete them all. Purge yourself from the whaft of their very existence. If someone asks you in that tone: “so how is (insert name here) doing?” You look at them and say: “who (insert name here)?”

No really. When you have done it enough times, you will actually start believing your response.

4) Distract yourself. Tried. Tested. Tried various times again. Read books (but consult #1 on this list first), watch shows or movies, write if you like writing, play a gruelling, extreme physical activity sport if you are into that kind of a thing, try punching bag if you are angry, you can also throw things around you (mind, not too precious or you will regret it later) but throwing things always helps; transmitting your fury onto another object is so liberating. You could even do some or all of the following:

a) Get hold of a cat, hold it by the tail and pull it behind you like a sack of potatoes until it yelps and struggles.

b) Pull your brothers’ hair, throw water at them while they are sleeping, snatch the laptop from them while they are working on it or turn off power, or worse, take out the internet cable. Any kind of similar torture to fellow human beings would work as long as it is… well, torturous. If it gets an angry response out of them, all the better.

5) Eat. Hog. Munch. Splatter food while at it. It is okay to talk with your mouth full. Trust me, food is and can be the answer to all your questions. Why did he leave you? Try the new lays, barbeque flavor. Why he likes another girl? Try the news lays, cream and onion. Why he won’t return your calls? Try the ooooooh, the dark chocolate or just go to Dunkin Donuts. If nothing works, hog on some good ol’ tasty biryani. You are entitled to junk, spicy, oily and greasy fried pleasantries and ofcourse, carbs! You can worry about weight watch a little time later (not too late though or this would be your last break up :p )

6) Last of all, and this is a serious one. Talk. It. Out. To yourself. To your best friend. To your diary. To your blog. Do things you love. You like singing? Sing. You like playing an instrument? Play. You like bitching about people? Bitch. You like gossping? Gossip. You like Shopping? Shop. Do not reminsce about the nice, comfortable, happy ‘couply’ days. They were a figment of your imagination (this should be your frame of mind for at least the first few weeks. Otherwise, you will be a walking, talking, train wreck and people will be asking about that smeared mascara which you did not notice because you were not bawling infront of a mirror )…..

And well, if nothing works, take Xanax (two 0.5 mg tablets) and go to sleep.

Caution: I understand the last advice might be hazardous in some way so take it at your own bloody risk and do not OD, because the whole point is to get over the person, not your life, hello! *rolls eyes*

Also, incase you want to know more about what this ‘love’ actually is, read here. I have a theory :p