like thigh flab.
Stifle yawn. Proceed to where bride sits, bling is blinding, adjust eyes and try to focus, shut eye for bit but try not to bump into men with fat bellies and half a tooth missing- they ogle- should know they look like ogre while ogling but pity, have not slightest clue.
Look around for bride. Bride looklikes make search for bride more difficult, do not understand why every girl should put as many layers of make-up as bride, must they ruin bride’s special day? and not let her alone look like runaway godzilla from zoo.. bride must want to look unique, think sympathetically, must hate look alikes, blood must boil and redden cheeks but then layers of make-up must do good job of hiding said cheeks, ohhhh, now understood, congratulate beautician for foresight, and clap, several layers of make-up is actually dual-purposed and part of beautician’s contingency plan, is impressed…
Jump unaware when hopeful mum (shall explain adjective later) squeals and points at be-jewelled creature whose face looks like baby spice transitioning into posh spice, and stopping between transition, not a pretty sight, body seems out of proportion with face but that is least of its problems, it is bride afterall.
Nod, prepare to utter convincing ooh- and aah at dress and if necessary, make cooing sounds and say how-beautiful-you-look–what-(designer)-are-you-wearing?–what-a-gorgeous-couple-you-make -…with-that-confused-guy-over-there-who-seems-to-be-screaming-in-his-head, add only inwardly..
Move toward creature with caution and conciliatory fake smile on in case she is clairvoyant and can hear thoughts (look supernatural, don’t she? teeheehee), adjust hair for benefit of camera man click-click-clicking away, (hair is second best feature next to eyes, afterall)… camera man is one of richest man at wedding second only to beautician who painted creature’s face, job is to get bride and groom to pose for ‘natural-looking’ pictures and just not stop clicking, also to make bridezilla here look beautiful after beautician ruined considerable chances, chuckle at self, no wonder richest man at wedding…
… see richest man stealthily use sepia, dark-grey and all sorts of black-and-white modes on his camera more and more often; most when bride giggles and bares teeth, maybe reminiscent of Hannibal the Cannibal… should not let hopeful mum (shall explain adjective later) hear thoughts, should not let anyone hear thoughts lest they think is jealous, is not jealous, is scared of such day dawning upon self… *shudder*
Stand at stage with bride and groom and smile properly for first time; can see waiters stand close to dinner tables ready to take off lids, only redeeming quality of event would be caterers being third richest people at wedding, shall forgive hopeful mum (shall explain adjective later) in such case.
Get off stage, fast, fast, fast, flower trail after shoe, do not want to fall off stage but stomach demands haste, be first one to stand beside waiter who stands beside food, smile, bugger stares, so whistle and move a little away, feign indifference, flip hair for affect, fix slipping-smile back where lips are until lids come off, feel perverted thinking of lids and them off but only talking about food dishes… be first one to grab onto hot steaming naan, gobble thankfully and chew away at chicken piece, do not make eye contact with hopeful mum (shall explain adjective later) in case she reminds of things like etiquette and decorum, chomp, chomp, chomp… chomping away like baby elephant must look bad for image, chomp more, and voraciously, forgive hopeful mum (shall explain adjective later) immediately and wonder thoughtfully whether she will be hopeful enough ever ever again, resist and fight thought, proceed to chomp.
Look out for “Weddings and other scary things, an afterthought”.
Also read Part I: Weddings and other scary things
