When I was little I used to scorn and point fingers at my sister for being a dreamer and not a do-er. I used to tell her how she was always planning, how she was always saying she wanted to do something but never really ended up doing it, or stopping in the middle and starting something else, procrastinating, digressing, hopping about, confused, resiliently so but confused… The funny thing is, she turned out to be the focused one with a mission in her head and the road to that mission all smoothly mapped out. Yes, there are bumps in the road but she is well-navigated.
I find myself wondering whether I am a go-getter or not and If I am a go-getter, what have I ‘got’ uptil now. I have so many dreams, no, I have too many dreams, I want to do too many things at the same time so much so that I cannot possibly fit them all in together, so much so that I haven’t yet been able to realize even one of them. I get these out of the world ideas on what I want to do, then what I need to do pops in and tramples over the want screaming ‘think about the need, think about the need‘ but just then, another want jumps in, starting to prick at me like a strategically placed itch making me relent to the notion that I just might be confused. (which I am not).
I used to think that if you didn’t have a passion for anything, life would be useless. Passion for something, anything at all, even collecting stamps or watching birds (although that sounds awefully boring) gives your life an existential meaning like nothing else can. I have passions. Maybe too many. And instead of giving meaning to my life, they have turned it a bit topsy-turvy, swaying this-a-way and that-a-way, hypnotizing me, being a honest-to-God pain in the ass, if you may.
I cannot prioritize, I can not put them on a queue, I cannot choose one over another. I try everyday to make a connection between the many different roads that I want to take and sometimes, I really feel I am getting there but most times it is very difficult to find common grounds between so many, many things I would love to do- how narrower and narrower the ‘common space’ becomes as other ideas make entry. Lets just say you do not want to be in my head right now..
Maybe I need to separate love from like, dreams from fantasies, need from want, plausible from the less plausible and so on. Instead of freedom, maybe I need restrictions, limitations, boundaries, more boundaries.
But I still cannot help but think (read: dream) how perfect life would be if it were timeless. I could do anything: If not this, then this, or this or this; or even better, I could do this and this and this and this.
